I realize this is dark. Don't feel obligated to read this. This is for me, this is for my pain.
I'm sitting awake at 3:16 in the morning, this is the only thing that is not strange in any particular way about this moment.
I have been crying my eyes out for seven hours, my sweet Gidget is gone.
I don't even know how to process this evening, it all happened in a flash and before I knew it it seemed like my whole world had collapsed in on me.
I don't know if I'm ready to talk about this, it's all so fresh. However I can't bring myself to do anything else. I've tried my usual comedy podcasts, old romance films, texting with a few of my closest friends, calming music and trying to meditate and clear my mind. None of those things have worked, the only thing that seems to keep me from crying is writing about her. Maybe I feel like if I keep thinking about her this whole night won't have happened. If I cry enough tears maybe a magic spell from one of my beloved fairytales could bring her back to me.
Without going into any details I cannot dare to relive other than in my mind from where I cannot erase them, my dog was attacked by another dog in our own cul-de-sac tonight. I was inside the house, my mother and I were watching some awful film she rented and my father had taken both the dogs out for a walk. It all was so normal. All of a sudden from outside I hear yelling, yelling again but I cannot make out the words. I look out the window and through blurred vision I see my father out on the cement but I cannot make out anything else. My mother throws on shoes and I throw on a dress instead of my robe and we run out. The next thing I hear from my father's mouth is him yelling "call the cops, my dog is dying. Blood is everywhere." As I get closer I realize that it is not his dog, but mine. My sweet little, cheerful angel. And things start to get hazy.
I am trying to soothe her and pet her as she is trying her hardest to breathe, the whole thing is burned in my brain and I cannot seem to shake it free. After a few moments of panic and yelling and calling were realize we must take her ourselves to the emergency clinic. They say things don't look good but she can stay overnight and they will try to do everything.
Two hours later, the phone rings. They tell me my worst nightmare. They ask me how I wish to proceed and if I want her ashes.
I cannot deal.
I have never lost anyone. That is not true, I lost two of my grandparents before but for one I was only two and the other we had lots of warning and I had much more time to adjust.
This was sudden. This was unwarranted. This I saw with my eyes, and I feel like I cannot breathe.
All I want is for her to come back and that's the one thing I cannot have. Lying in my bed feels wrong without her curling up near me and I just want to throw up.
I'm not only sad but I'm angry. I'm angry that some untrained, unleashed dog could do this. I want to scream and yell. I want to tell them that their excuses and their apologies will never be enough. I want them to understand that their mistakes have ruined my life. That their stupid lack of judgment has taken away the worlds most loving, kind and cheerful dog and absolutely crushed my family.
I cannot look out my window now, because there lies the spot where my dog was attacked. Her blood is still on the pavement. I want to go scrub it off and cry and yell. I want the whole neighborhood to hear me.
It's hard enough to lose someone you love. But to have to see it happening, to have to see someone you love so dearly in that state. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Someone perfectly healthy, young, and has a life ahead of them. It's killing me.
I need to stop.
I don't know how to handle with this. I'm so entirely broken.
I would never have been ready to lose her, but certainly never like this.